Why I Wrote The Changing Behavior Book

The Changing Behavior Book was a four-year project; I had plenty of time to think about why I was writing it. I wrote the book because, after several decades of working with emotionally and behaviorally troubled youngsters, I am convinced that poor and inappropriate behavior in young people is rarely a deliberate gesture designed to bring down pain, suffering, and disabled relationships upon themselves. It is, rather, their attempt, albeit wrong and misdirected, to “fix” the problems in their lives that frighten, confuse, frustrate, and anger them.

We’ve all seen where it can go from there.

Poor and inappropriate behavior grows from poor and inappropriate skills. As simple as that sounds, it’s not. Much change can happen, however, when the skills are taught, practiced, and put to use daily.

Have you ever seen a child’s face when she has just learned to ride her new bike? There’s no reason why the same joy can’t be on the face of a youngster who’s just learned to befriend his feelings, to self-soothe in times of difficulty, to be a bit more patient rather than impulsive, to resolve conflicts rather than struggle in them, and to wake up in the morning without being angry at the world.

These skills will take a child or teen farther than any bicycle.

Although the teaching of these skills is a big part of The Changing Behavior Book, there’s another message, a much, much deeper message. This message came to me like a lightning bolt when I first heard it at a convention in the summer of 2007: My own thoughts, preconceptions, and attitudes can build roadblocks and limits between me and a youngster until my effectiveness with them comes to a halt.

It’s true there will always be ways to coerce a moment of compliance from a difficult child but, speaking for my own actions and relationships, lasting change only comes when I change, when I work to erase and rub out those limits that hinder me.

That was the message, and it’s not a bad one for all of us to hear. Attending to it can result in unhindered access to the head and the heart of a troubled youngster.

And from there, there are no limits.

JDS